Wish...

Its 2 am in my watch, I am just took a break from work and drove to Marikina river banks, it’s a beautiful place which is located on the banks of Marikina river (they call it river, but it’s actually filthy, mucky, dirty, polluted water), the banks are off limits to vehicles and is generally used as a walking / jogging track and also couples can been seen warmly embracing each other in the bushesJ. I mostly go the river banks around this time as there is hardly any soul at this time of the day (or should I say night). The atmosphere is so quite, and tranquil. It’s the best time to chant, to reflect, to do some soul searching, to do some thinking, or just to sit quietly and listen to songs on my ipod or just simply graze at the stars and enjoy relishing warm weather. These stars feel like old friends. I remember the time in Juhu temple, when we used to sit on the trace of the Gurukul building and graze at the stars while enjoying the cool ocean breeze. The stars would blanket the sky and the more you stared into the sky which seemed to curve above you more and more stars would appear almost making it impossible to make out the major constellations.

Today I dint come here for any reason, I just wanted to be all alone and listen to the sound of running water, sound of crickets, sound of dogs crying at a distance, just want to be quite and listen to all the nocturnal sounds. This week has been a bit tough, am mentally drained out. After Sunday night’s conversation with Baladeva prabhu, I been doing a lot of thinking, I know it’s useless and fruitless thinking, but still can’t help it. So many WHY’s, so many WHY NOT’s, so many “wish I could have done this…” or “done that”. At times I feel that my head will explode.

Today was a better day, Doyal Nitai prabhu woke me up, he had saved a big plate of Prasad for me. I was so happy that someone still cared for me and someone thought of saving lunch for me. Thanks Doyal Nitai, thank uJ. I ate proper food almost after 4 days, have lost my appetite since Sunday, don’t feel like eating anything, have been sleeping awfully lot (almost 12 hrs daily) and even after waking up, I still feel sleepy, wish I could be a Panda (may be panda from Kun fu Panda J) so that I could hibernate and sleep for 5 months at a stretch….

I am sure it’s just a bad phase and will pass away soon, usually I am the one who gives strength and moral support to everyone around me, and it’s funny to find myself in this kind of situation. Its nothing to worry about, I know I haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just the way the whole episode was interpreted. I wish I could influence the way others think. Wish….

“How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise and of good will”

“I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.”

“What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out, which is its exact opposite”