Divorce :( :( :(

I am single, let alone divorced. But I happen to be one to those incredibly stubborn people who actually expects people to keep their promises and vows of marriage...silly me. I was born not to trust people and I guess I had a slip of one of my cerebral nerves or something. Don't get me wrong...my ex happens to be a sweet loving creatures on the face of the earth. But something wasn't clicking between the two of us. She's the type that needs someone in her life to complete her and give her a reason for being here. I am incredibly picky and difficult.

Today i was talking with one of my very good friend, and she mentioned that her marriage was in a trouble. GOSH!!! i was shocked to hear this, coz i know both of them well and they make a good couple. Last time when i visited home i also visited them and saw their sweet adorable baby... My mind was thinking faster than usual and i was having difficulty in expressing myself. After office i sat down and was thinking What makes a good spouse? true being a good provider might have been the end all to be all at one time, but what about love, communication, partnerships,friendship , emotional side of things??

In the order of importance to me:

- SENSE OF HUMOR - it's going to be a long 50+ years if you both don't have this, then its gonna be boring :(
- maturity - mature enough to have a realistic picture of marriage, day to day life, and to understand that people do not have the RIGHT to change their partner to suit them.
- commitment - without this everything else is worthless. To me this is the glue that holds everything else together.
- trust and honesty - for this to exist both people must feel SAFE being honest. Secure in the knowledge that their comments won't be ridiculed or used against them at a later date.
- friendship - if you aren't friends throughout your marriage what do you have to fall back on when times are hard or when children leave home?
- communication or someone who will attempt to communicate (communication skills are LEARNED) - again both parties MUST feel safe in communicating with the other.
- a basic kindness and consideration toward each other
- a willingness to work on problems - there will always be problems in life and if the two people can't work them out they are pretty well doomed.
- desire to create the best life for both - this doesn't mean the most financially secure life, but the best emotionally secure life possible for both.

I didn't list sex because I believe if you have a spouse who encompasses the above you'll have someone who is responsive, considerate, and desires to please. Everything else you can learn or be taught ;-)

I also didn't list being a good provider because I think it's a worthless consideration. I know one woman who wouldn't date anyone who didn't have a new car and an upper income job. She married him and now about 30 years later he lost that job after they were first married and she still works. Financial security is too nebulous.

Nurture the marriage you've got

Keep doing whatever it was that got you together. Develop new shared interests to supplant/replace old ones. Go on dates, even if you have to schedule them 6 months in advance. Try that new sex position. Whatever it takes. Flowers. Frequent oral sex. Doing the damn dishes - together, with some light banter thrown in. Do whatever it takes to keep marriage together... don't let it fall

I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive